Mile 1 - 2: Alright, let's get this over with. I've got 35 miles on these legs in the past 4 days with two tempo runs but I'm feeling pretty good. It's early enough for me to salvage most of my morning and once this is behind me I'm gold for the rest of the weekend. Wow, I forgot how old I am - I can't believe how stiff my legs are. But that's cool, I'll crank out some slow miles early on....might as well consider this my stretching. <After a quick glance at my watch> Seriously, I'm running that slow? My watch must not have caught up with me yet. OK, so I'm just going to run the first 8 slow and crush the second 8...
Mile 3-4: Now I'm loose. Wait a minute, I'm running race pace now. I've got an idea....I'll just run at race pace and knock this run out in short order. What's that up there, another runner, oh yes - I'm about to hawk it down and I'm closing the gap in a hurry. Wait a minute, that's a chick and she's walking. Nevermind...
Mile 5-6: Alright, I'm starting to feel those tempo runs now. Scratch that race pace thing. That's a good way to get hurt anyway - too much too fast, right? Coming up on the greenway now and dreading that hill. Who are these people parked in mini vans at this shady little park this early in the morning anyway? Nevermind, I don't even want to know. <Another glance at the watch> you have to be effing kidding me? That cannot be right, there is no way I'm running that slow. These trees must be interfering with my signal.
Mile 7-8: I'm glad that's over. Almost half way there - I wonder what my average pace is? Nope, I'm not even going to look. It took me two miles to warm up and it feels like I've been running up hill all morning so my pace so far means nothing. I'm getting hungry. Actually, I'm starving. What was I thinking when I set out for 16 miles with half a flat bagel and a spoon of peanut butter anyway? And you washed it down with a Diet Pepsi? Jason you are an idiot. Seriously you think the water you drank after you brushed your teeth counts as being hydrated? You are a super idiot.
Mile 8-10: Over half way there. Now I've got to crank out some decent miles. But my feet are killing me. I cannot wait to get home and soak these puppies in some cold water. What's this up here, the road is closed? Oh yeah, it's Octoberfest - this should be fun. Lookout golf cart, runner coming through <weaving in and out of delivery trucks and golf carts>. Ohhh there's a whole Pepsi truck full of cases of Aquafina. I wonder if.... na, I've got to get through this mess. I'm so freakin' hungry and I smell food. But it's fair food - buckets of oil just waiting to fry anything that can be fried and some things that were never intended to be fried. Alright, now I have to get through here because this is making me want to vomit.
Mile 11-12: Coming up on the Soup Kitchen now. I wonder who the lucky person was that got the long sleeve New Balance shirt I threw out here the other day. What's that, are you kidding me? My shirt is still laying where I left it? It's been a week?! Clearly these folks don't appreciate a quality shirt when they find one. Alright, how am I going to get this last four miles in - should I circle the college and run it back or run straight through and loop around the golf course. I really hate backtracking but I think I hate those hills going to the golf course even more. Circling the college and backtracking it is.
Mile 13-14: My feet are killing me. I'm hungry. I totally do not need this long sleeve shirt on either but I like it too much to throw it out. I wonder what my average pace is? Actually no I don't, I don't even care. Let's just get this over with. Alright, another runner coming at me so let's show a little life here. Hey that's Knox <we're training for the same race> I think I'll run with him for a bit to get through this last four. Hey man, mind if I tag along <Knox: Not at all>. Wait a minute, Knox is fast - what was I thinking? I hope I don't slow him down too much. So let's circle around by the golf course, the hills suck but it's a good loop and we can grab some water at Fleet Feet. Sounds good to me. Watch the electric car up here, she's totally not looking. Alright woman, I really think if you run over me it's going to hurt your wind up car more than me. Are you kidding? Do you really need to pull up 5 feet past the stop sign before looking left and right? OK, clearly you suck at driving so I'll run behind you even though you're going to be at that stop sign for another 10 minutes. Idiot.
Mile 15: I feel like hell. Seriously, this whole cumulative fatigue thing is just beating me up. Doesn't help that I didn't eat very well this morning either. I can't wait to get home, soak my feet, and eat like a boss. True story, I am going to eat the whole kitchen. Am I running Octoberfest 5K / 10K tomorrow? Ha, are you kidding? I've got an easy 7 on my calendar and no more / no less. Besides if I had to race on these legs it would not be pretty. So how do you want to get to Fleet Feet? It's faster to take a left but safer if we go straight. Let's take a left.....nevermind, more idiot drivers. Looks like going straight is our best chance of not getting run over.
Mile 15.25: Hello Fleet Feet. That might be the best water I've ever had - room temperature and all. I think I'll have another cup. You know what, I've only got .75 miles left so maybe I'll have a third.... I wonder if I could talk somebody into coming to pick me up? I mean if I run to my house I would probably get a solid 17 and maybe even a little more. But my feet hurt, I'm starving, and this just sucks. Who am I kidding - nobody is coming to get me.
Mile 16: Alright Jason, suck it up - you have a flat 1.5 miles home but only .75 to knock this 16 out. But first you need to cross the street, all 5 lanes, and apparently everybody decided to be driving right now. OK, there's an opening, OMG I'm running way too fast. I guess that beats getting run over. How many times is that now anyway? I need some safer running routes. Hey maybe this will get my average pace down. Jason, you could run the last 0.75 in zero seconds and it wouldn't move your average pace. Alright, I get it, who cares at this point. So that's the third or fourth time I have suggested that my pace doesn't matter so I think by now it's obvious that my pace matters. But it shouldn't, I mean it is a long run anyway - just get the miles in right :/ My legs are on fire, my feet hurt, my form broke down several miles ago, and now I have at least a quart of water sloshing around in my belly. Yeah, when this watch hits 16.0 I'm shutting it down. I don't care how far I am from home I am. There it is, I'm done. Stupid watch - the crowd is not going wild. Alright, let's check the damage. Well imagine that, exactly to the second equal to my last 16 miler. I'm the model of consistency, just like I planned it.
Getting home: Alright, I'll jog it out to the stoplight and walk the last 1/4 home. Walking sucks. Walking this close to traffic sucks even more. No concerned driver, I'm not hurt and yes I'm tired but that's not why I'm walking. I'm walking because I ran exactly what I set out to run. No more, no less. I need a shirt with a digital display on the back that logs and displays my mileage for everyone to see. That way when I'm walking, or running slow everybody knows why. Jason, really, that's the dumbest idea you've had all week. Alright I'm about to have to walk way too close to these two chicks with big hair that are stuck in the 80's. Just keep looking down Jason. Oh no, one of them is making a hand gesture that seems directed at me. Ugh, now the window is coming down. Please don't throw anything at me. Don't look, don't look, do not make eye contact! That's it, keep looking down, keep the music loud, and just walk by. What did she say? Nice waist? Surely not that's stupid. Nice pace? No way, that chick probably doesn't even know what pace is. Did she ask me if I wanted to race? Wait a minute, maybe she said get out of the way. That sounds about right, but whatever. I'm done and there is an Oreo Bonk Bar and a bucket of ice water waiting on me.
Until the next long run...
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